Ascent from the nadir

Now granted, I'm prone to moments of melo-drama, but lying on my friend's couch last Saturday night at four in the morning - ashamed, angry, exhausted, self-pitying and self-scolding all in one - I thought to myself, "I've reached a new nadir in my life, an all time low." In the train of thoughts that were chasing each other round faster than I could sort them out snippets of "I don't deserve to live" and things of that dark ilk clouded the picture and made life look very bleak indeed.

The weekend had started out well: celebrating a friend buying a house, and then another friend getting married.... But at that shower I learned that (what should I call him, 'my heart's hopeful'?) was asking another girl out, and rather quickly the self-pity snake charmer was at my door. "I'll never get married," I wailed to myself, and strangely enough I was scolding myself on not knowing more pop-culture: not having a TV show that I watched regularly or a band that I followed devotedly... as if that were the ticket to being interesting to men. But I barreled out of that emotional lapse reminding myself that it wasn't my party and I was there to celebrate. And celebrate we did - dancing until 2 or so in the morning. At the end of the evening I offered to drive my friend home (using the car I was borrowing from my host family) only to discover that I couldn't find their key. So we re-traced the steps of our evening - traipsing around in the snow and a little black dress with two sprained knees (from an earlier ski accident) looking for a key... and all I kept thinking was "How could this happen? I'm not even tipsy, let alone drunk! Where did that key get to?" We went back and crashed at my friends house, and the guilt train thoughts emerged. 'You don't even have a real job, and now you've lost their car key. When will you ever learn to be responsible, Diana? No wonder no one takes you seriously....' I wanted to crawl into a deep hole far away, one that muffled out the sounds and life issues: a warm, safe cocoon.

I slept a fitful sleep and woke just before 8, with the very clear sense of being told, "I love you." It was the first gift of the day - there were hundreds more - and the first truth that I had listened to in the barrage of lies and self-depreciation. In fact, the word I thought was 'gracious' - the whole day was just gracious - how wonderful to babysit an excitable little girl at the National Cathedral where the architecture is breathtaking (or, comically, 'creepy' to a five year old) and the Lenten roses were in bloom. How sweet to celebrate the upcoming birth of twins with a friend at a baby shower. How healing to realize that I have some truly supportive and affirming guy friends. And then, in the coup de grace after dinner - to hear that the key had been found! One little old key lost in the city - found.

So, besides being a really funny incident of how situations can influence our emotions and trains of thought - what more do I need to learn from this weekend? That even when I am guilty, irresponsible, sad, afraid or angry -- I musn't let the emotions rule the day, but rather seek the truth and the love of the Father. Or at least just wait for the morning light.